Monthly Archives: June 2005
Special congratulations goes out tonight to a very special little man (not mine – he’s too busy picking his nose in public) who has learned the f-bomb! Way to go, little guy! hehehehe…
That Yoda had it right on, eh? Here I am, wanting to write, but for some reason I’m not. I’m pushing myself to write. Just a bit. It can be nothing – I don’t care. Ok, I want my writing to be interesting. I have so many random thoughts right now that my stomach is a bit upset and my hand already hurts from my writing – talk about resistance, eh?
[Oh, wait? Did I just let a cat out of the bag? Yes, I write out my blog entries before I type them out. Shh – don’t tell! It’s part of my inner critic wishing for everything to be perfect! Shocker!!]
Totally OT: Do you ever freak yourself out at night? I do all the time. Every little noise creeps me out when I’m alone-and we have and use a security system on our home. Imagine how I was before we moved here? “Steve, wake up!! Its 3:30 am and I swear I heard someone downstairs!” Poor guy. His oak fraternity paddle rests beside my night table (no, not for that! Dirty minds!!) in case I ever feel the need to case the house for intruders.
Anyway, this past week at the ocean, little Michael slept in a double bed pushed up against that wall. We lined the other side with pillows to “keep” him from falling out onto the wooden floor. No problems, but we didn’t use a monitor, and now with a monitor on here at home, I swear I hear every freaking move he makes…And its on the lowest setting. Oi. Each time he bangs up against the side of his crib, it sounds like “someone” is opening or closing a door in his room. Only a bit freaky.
By the way, have I ever told you WHY I use a monitor? Michael’s lungs are perfectly capable of letting us know when he’s awake, so its not that. When he was first born, I did the whole “Is he breathing?” routine every once in a while, but the biggest fear I had (and still have) is that someone will take him. You know-the whole through the window routine? Terrifying.
(A blog entry full of confessions tonight, eh?)
On top of all these thoughts going through my head, I am worried about tomorrow-or maybe about tonight, I’m not sure. I just feel sadness coming on. Not a devastating ruin the whole day kind of sadness, just a quiet sadness. Do you know how many babies I was exposed to this week at the ocean? I swear they were out in the hundreds, and of course, I saw every single one. Michael helped make sure I saw any I might have missed:
“Look, Mommy! What a sweet baby!”
“Mommy, did you see that tiny peanut?”
“Such a little peanut, Mommy!”
What can I say? We do love seeing babies, but I think I’ve gotten overwhelmed this week. And each time he sting is a little less for me, but a tiny more about what Michael has missed out on by losing his brother before every knowing he existed at all. I am writing tonight because I feel like if I write it out, perhaps I won’t cry it out tonight or tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong-I cry when I need to. I can’t be accused of holding in my emotions-at all. But I guess what I really needed tonight was some therapy. A little bit of acknowledgement that I’m doing ok. My stomach feels better already, if you can believe it. Funny- nothing has changed except my single act of putting down on the page how I feel.
I used to write all the time and loved it. I never judged my writing or questioned it. Just did it. I’ve missed that in my life. I think that’s why I continue to blog. I feel like its something that forces me to just do it. Do or do not. I choose to do. Even if no one is reading it-that’s ok. Sure, its nice to be validated and have my friends know what’s up with me. But I really feel better after I write. And with that, I bid you adieu and good night.
Is it possible to have balance in your life and not know it? Must we be aware of balance in order for it to exist? I believe the universe hands
us only what we can handle, so isn’t that a balance of sorts? Does balance require equal parts or just equal attention or levels of importance? Is something considered a part of your life if you only have it mentally~or must physicality of an item/idea/situation be required for it to maintain a balanced part of our lives? Can you wish balance into your life or must we actually work for it? And how? Does balance itself require a home in all our have-to’s and need-to’s? Why are have-to’s and need-to’s seemingly more important than want-to’s? Did you like all those questions? Its a lot easier to ask questions than answer them (so says the political science major, lol), don’t you think? I’m going to jump right into a new question that I present to all of you today- and I hope that you will share your thoughts and experiences with me, wither privately or by leaving a comment. Have you ever done something that you are sure was the “right” thing to do, but felt horrible about it?
This seems to be one of my major life lessons/issues. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks, friends.
Because I am unable to post comments on my friends’ blogs from my cell phone, this post will have all my running commentary that I would have
posted had I been able to. I hope you all find it!
Sara: My friend, I sure hope that your kitties get it together. I remember when we had our puppy Ashton, how hard it was when he wasn’t feeling well. Keep your chin up as best you can. Please keep me updated on how they are faring.
Jessica: I still am in absolute shock over all the drama that went on at
your blog due to what I felt were innocent, truthful comments. It just
shows you that there are people out there who would rather have lies
than the truth. Don’t forget me when you get the whole password deal set
Nicole: How is WW coming along? Are you still motivated? I guess the kids are out of school now, eh? Hope you all are adjusting to
summerlife. And I am so jealous of those stamps! They are too faboo!
Bree: Have you gotten all settled in yet? Sounds like the kids are adjusting to the new home. Can you believe how big Mason and Natalie are
getting? It blows my mind just to think of them doing all those cool
things. And way to go, Mason, for pooping on the potty!!
Alicia: I can’t get to your site from here, so I have no clue what’s up
with you. I hope you are hanging in there, girl! I miss chatting with
Pam: Girl, are you headed this way soon? I hope your recent vacation wasn’t to DC, and I missed you!!
Andrea: Are you just too sweet? I think so. I loved reading your lists.
Good luck on the weight loss challenge~I think everything is easier when
you have some company. I’ll be cheering you on.
Lisa: Quit refusing to blog and get up on it. Especially this week, eh?
Terri: Hello? Don’t tell me you don’t have anything to blog about,
because I know you do!!
Stephanie: I can’t see your blog from my cell phone either, so drop a line to tell me how you’re doing.
Ok, ladies, please know I’m thinking of you all.
So I’ve had a ton of time to think on these…Pam posted this meme for me. I really had to think hard on these, but here are my answers:
1. If you lived in a classic fairy tale which one would it be and why? Sleeping Beauty because not only does she get to sleep, but she stays young the entire time, bags a prince and ends up being Queen. Not too shabby for a hard night’s sleep.
2. What are your 3 best qualities and 3 worst qualities? My three best qualities are that I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I try to see all sides of an ‘argument’ before making a decision, and I think I’m funny (not everyone thinks I’m funny, but for some reason they still laught at/with? me, hehehe). My three worst qualities are that I have a difficult time making decisions because I usually see the value of every outcome, I tend to procrastinate, and I usually hold all my feelings in until I feel very overwhelmed emotionally-not really healthy. I’m sure I’ve got a lot more good and bad qualities but these are the ones that I’ve been dealing with most recently, so they are fresh in my head.
3. If you could trade places with one person who would it be? and why? I’ve never really wanted to trade places with anyone, actually. I just kinda feel like my experiences are my own and truly create the future me. I don’t know if I would have the umph to deal with other peoples’ lives as my own. I guess if I could trade places with someone, I would want it to be with someone who was on a dream vacation in the Bahamas. 😉 hehehehe
4. If you could pick a theme song for the rest of your life which song do you chose and why? Sheesh, you know several years ago I could have answered this probably pretty quickly, but I’ve found that like many of the artists that I love, I change as time goes by. Since I can’t really pick a theme song, I’ll tell you that I love the Beatles, Alannis Morrisette, Beck, Dave Matthews, the Dead, Brownie Mary…
5. Pick one (the one you pick will be remedied for good): Global Warming or World Hunger? “World Hunger” -Miss Congeniality; Global Warming-Stacie Crawford
CKU is going great! We’ve had classes all day, and have a crop tonight.
So far, I’ve rwally enjoyed my classes. Gotta run~ class is starting